The Lotus Reader

Nonfiction

Current Issue- Posted December 24, 2008

The Last Decade- A Parody

By Marian Hooper

Clinton wanted to lower the national deficit that was currently high because of all the wars that had been fought. He worked with an economist named Alan Greenspan.

Economist e·con·o·mist

-noun

A mole-like person without social skills who lives underground, crunching numbers and emerging sporadically to use a lot of confusing terms like "quantitative" and "Republican".

The two really got the economy soaring. They were very impressive. Well, them, and all these other factors that also affect growth. Such as the

Changing American Population

During World War II, military bases had been built up in the "Sunbelt" of the South. As a direct result of this event that had happened half a century ago, the population suddenly started to increase in the area.

Like everything else in the universe, urbanization had both positives and negatives. Urban places had more educated people but more crime. Lots of Dr. Evil-like criminal masterminds. Also, the elderly started appearing. More old people lived, and no one seemed to be able to figure out why. Nobody considered the possibility that it had something to do with better medicine. Presumably, doctors still didn't exist in the 90's.

Old people voted more than other Americans, so you got a lot of politicians far past their prime (see every elected official of the entire decade). The American Association of Retired People (AARP) formed and was very effective in Washington in representing the interests of the elderly. This is surprising, especially given that, since all members were retired by default, no one actually worked in the AARP. How the organization got anything done without any members is one of the great American mysteries.

Immigration

People started immigrating from Latin America and Asia. A Cuban immigrant economist who had presumably suffered amnesia said that immigrants were unlikely to get educated. He learned this from his education. That he got. As an immigrant.

African Americans do something

Blacks got educated and took on better jobs than they could in the past. But then a setback happened: The Supreme Court ruled that racial quotas for blacks were illegal. That's right: The government said that colleges shouldn't discriminate based on race. A huge step back for African Americans.

Blacks only earned about 77 percent as much as whites did with the same education. The statistic was even worse for women, white or black, but the textbook doesn’t care about them. Unemployment rates for black teenagers reached 40 percent, a number the textbook calls "staggering" and the rest of us call "normal for high schools students".

The police brutally beat a black man named Rodney King. A white jury acquitted the police of this crime, even though, like the Tiananmen Square innocent of a decade ago, the whole thing was caught on videotape.

BLACKS: *riot in anger*

WHITES: *riot back in anger*

RODNEY KING: Can't we all just get along?

HISTORY: No.

Asians

Asians came to America. They experienced a lot of persecution. There was this one time when three Vietnamese fishing boats were burned in the early 1980's. Plus, half the Laotian refugees living in Minnesota were illiterate. And you know how Laotian refugees in a select part of the Midwest represent all Asians. Laotians are known for representation.

Multiethnic diversity

In the 90's, a startling development occurred: the national metaphor was shot down. Many remember where they were when it happened. When they found out that America was no longer a "melting pot" but instead, a "mosaic". That means that instead of all being distinctly America, everyone had different cultures. Actually, America had been composed of people with different cultures since the beginning, but it was only July 5^th, year 1996 at 3:32 PM that the metaphor officially changed.

Much like the brave reformers of years past who campaigned for sovereignty, voting rights, and equality, the reformers of the 1990's argued for a small box in censuses labeled "multiracial" so children of mixed marriages could be more specific in identifying their race. They evidently thought that this was very important.

Democrats

Even though the book had been talking about what happened under President Clinton's rein for the last few million pages, the textbook writers decided that this would be the appropriate time to formally introduce the man. In short, Bush was blamed for the economy. Clinton wanted to help the economy. Clinton ran for president with Al "Got PowerPoint?" Gore and won.

Clinton was a charmer. If he weren't so committed to his wife, Hillary, he would have had tons of women. Hillary herself helped Clinton in politics. She drafted proposals and came up with organization for ideas. She was completely content with this secondary amount of political power and always would be.

Clinton v. Congress

Clinton wanted to approve NAFTA, a free trade agreement with other countries. It got a lot of protesting.

RALPH NADER: Don't do it!

PAT BUCHANAN: It'll hurt American business!

RALPH: Wait, I'm a left wing liberal nut job.

PAT: And I'm a right wing conservative crazy.

RALPH: We can't possibly agree on this. Or anything.

PAT: Yeah, if I'm agreeing with you, I must have become mentally unstable. I must warn the American people not to listen to me!

RALPH: Me too!

RALPH AND PAT: Ignore us, Americans! We are just creating problems!

AMERICANS: Thanks for the update.

Republicans stopped Clinton's plan of free health care from going through. Americans were upset when Clinton didn't deliver on his health care promise. So they elected more Republicans.

A Violent Decade (?)

Apparently, there was some violence in the 1990s. A militia movement began, leading to a shoot out and siege in Idaho. This set a deep scar in Idaho's reputation. As punishment, intceased to be the "cool state" and would forever be known as the "potato state".

Scandal

Paula Jones filed a sexual harassment suit against Clinton. There wasn't any clear cut evidence against him.

JUDGE: How do you plead?

CLINTON: Innocent, your honor.

JUDGE: All right, as long as nothing like this happens again in your presidency.

So Clinton did not, in fact, sexually harass Paula Jones. He did commit adultery with Monica Lewinsky though.

CLINTON: I did not have sexual relations with this woman.

HILLARY: My husband would never lie...it's all a conspiracy!

MONICA: I never had sexual relations with Bill.

All three were in agreement. Then:

JUDGE: Hey, Monica... If you give us honest testimony, I won't get you in trouble for lying about the scandal up 'till now.

MONICA: Oh. In that case, yeah, we had sex.

Things were pretty bad for Clinton then. And undoubtedly Hillary. He was impeached.

POLITICAL PROFESSOR: Remember, impeached means accused, not convicted.

The prosecutor sent out a 452 page ~~romance novel~~ report detailing all of Clinton's acts, explaining why he should be thrown out of office. Americans, in turn, got annoyed with the prosecutor for exposing families to the scandal on news.

HILLARY: I ...still...support...Bill *seethes*

A good story cannot be devised; it has to be distilled. *- Raymond Chandler*		Nonfiction Current Issue- Posted December 24, 2008 The Last Decade- A Parody By Marian Hooper Clinton wanted to lower the national deficit that was currently high because of all the wars that had been fought. He worked with an economist named Alan Greenspan. Economist e·con·o·mist -noun A mole-like person without social skills who lives underground, crunching numbers and emerging sporadically to use a lot of confusing terms like "quantitative" and "Republican". The two really got the economy soaring. They were very impressive. Well, them, and all these other factors that also affect growth. Such as the *Changing American Population* During World War II, military bases had been built up in the "Sunbelt" of the South. As a direct result of this event that had happened half a century ago, the population suddenly started to increase in the area. Like everything else in the universe, urbanization had both positives and negatives. Urban places had more educated people but more crime. Lots of Dr. Evil-like criminal masterminds. Also, the elderly started appearing. More old people lived, and no one seemed to be able to figure out why. Nobody considered the possibility that it had something to do with better medicine. Presumably, doctors still didn't exist in the 90's. Old people voted more than other Americans, so you got a lot of politicians far past their prime (see every elected official of the entire decade). The American Association of Retired People (AARP) formed and was very effective in Washington in representing the interests of the elderly. This is surprising, especially given that, since all members were retired by default, no one actually worked in the AARP. How the organization got anything done without any members is one of the great American mysteries. *Immigration* People started immigrating from Latin America and Asia. A Cuban immigrant economist who had presumably suffered amnesia said that immigrants were unlikely to get educated. He learned this from his education. That he got. As an immigrant. *African Americans do something* Blacks got educated and took on better jobs than they could in the past. But then a setback happened: The Supreme Court ruled that racial quotas for blacks were illegal. That's right: The government said that colleges shouldn't discriminate based on race. A huge step back for African Americans. Blacks only earned about 77 percent as much as whites did with the same education. The statistic was even worse for women, white or black, but the textbook doesn’t care about them. Unemployment rates for black teenagers reached 40 percent, a number the textbook calls "staggering" and the rest of us call "normal for high schools students". The police brutally beat a black man named Rodney King. A white jury acquitted the police of this crime, even though, like the Tiananmen Square innocent of a decade ago, the whole thing was caught on videotape. BLACKS: riot in anger WHITES: riot back in anger RODNEY KING: Can't we all just get along? HISTORY: No. *Asians* Asians came to America. They experienced a lot of persecution. There was this one time when three Vietnamese fishing boats were burned in the early 1980's. Plus, half the Laotian refugees living in Minnesota were illiterate. And you know how Laotian refugees in a select part of the Midwest represent all Asians. Laotians are known for representation. *Multiethnic diversity* In the 90's, a startling development occurred: the national metaphor was shot down. Many remember where they were when it happened. When they found out that America was no longer a "melting pot" but instead, a "mosaic". That means that instead of all being distinctly America, everyone had different cultures. Actually, America had been composed of people with different cultures since the beginning, but it was only July 5^th, year 1996 at 3:32 PM that the metaphor officially changed. Much like the brave reformers of years past who campaigned for sovereignty, voting rights, and equality, the reformers of the 1990's argued for a small box in censuses labeled "multiracial" so children of mixed marriages could be more specific in identifying their race. They evidently thought that this was very important. *Democrats* Even though the book had been talking about what happened under President Clinton's rein for the last few million pages, the textbook writers decided that this would be the appropriate time to formally introduce the man. In short, Bush was blamed for the economy. Clinton wanted to help the economy. Clinton ran for president with Al "Got PowerPoint?" Gore and won. Clinton was a charmer. If he weren't so committed to his wife, Hillary, he would have had tons of women. Hillary herself helped Clinton in politics. She drafted proposals and came up with organization for ideas. She was completely content with this secondary amount of political power and always would be. *Clinton* *v. Congress* Clinton wanted to approve NAFTA, a free trade agreement with other countries. It got a lot of protesting. RALPH NADER: Don't do it! PAT BUCHANAN: It'll hurt American business! RALPH: Wait, I'm a left wing liberal nut job. PAT: And I'm a right wing conservative crazy. RALPH: We can't possibly agree on this. Or anything. PAT: Yeah, if I'm agreeing with you, I must have become mentally unstable. I must warn the American people not to listen to me! RALPH: Me too! RALPH AND PAT: Ignore us, Americans! We are just creating problems! AMERICANS: Thanks for the update. Republicans stopped Clinton's plan of free health care from going through. Americans were upset when Clinton didn't deliver on his health care promise. So they elected more Republicans. *A Violent Decade (?)* Apparently, there was some violence in the 1990s. A militia movement began, leading to a shoot out and siege in Idaho. This set a deep scar in Idaho's reputation. As punishment, intceased to be the "cool state" and would forever be known as the "potato state". *Scandal* Paula Jones filed a sexual harassment suit against Clinton. There wasn't any clear cut evidence against him. JUDGE: How do you plead? CLINTON: Innocent, your honor. JUDGE: All right, as long as nothing like this happens again in your presidency. So Clinton did not, in fact, sexually harass Paula Jones. He did commit adultery with Monica Lewinsky though. CLINTON: I did not have sexual relations with this woman. HILLARY: My husband would never lie...it's all a conspiracy! MONICA: I never had sexual relations with Bill. All three were in agreement. Then: JUDGE: Hey, Monica... If you give us honest testimony, I won't get you in trouble for lying about the scandal up 'till now. MONICA: Oh. In that case, yeah, we had sex. Things were pretty bad for Clinton then. And undoubtedly Hillary. He was impeached. POLITICAL PROFESSOR: Remember, impeached means accused, not convicted. The prosecutor sent out a 452 page ~~romance novel~~ report detailing all of Clinton's acts, explaining why he should be thrown out of office. Americans, in turn, got annoyed with the prosecutor for exposing families to the scandal on news. HILLARY: I ...still...support...Bill seethes

	The Lotus Reader *Literary Magazine*

The Lotus Reader

Literary Magazine