Let me tell you all
that are planning to kill yourself, what the AFTER
effects on your loved ones will be. Bear with me, it will take a long
while to type this all out, as I can't hardly think or concentrate
anymore and it is definitely hard to see the screen between all the
tears that won't stop.

My 21 year old beautiful (and I do mean beautiful too!) daughter,
had been addicted to meth and ice for a couple of years. She didn't take
it repeatedly but enough to get pretty hooked on it. She had
quit. She also had suffered from depression in her younger
years, but nothing that some medication couldn't take care of.

She then got with an idiotic man (or mouse,
cause he beat on women), and then got even more
into drugs, including cocaine. We found out later that he had been l
acing her pot joints with meth OR cocaine. To keep her hooked and under his abusive
control.

She finally got tired of all the beatings and him keeping her away
from her family and her son (4 yrs old) who I had custody of. She
never had a decent place to live, no food to eat, no clothes, no
cigarettes, and he destroyed 4 different cars that we had bought for
her. She was physically beat down and lost all of her former feisty
spirit and confidence.

I did try to get her to go to a mental health clinic but the nearest
appt we could get was 3 months away! She NEVER told me this time
how SEVERE she was feeling, or else I would have broke down the
Drs office to get her in. OR had her committed to the psych unit
at the hospital for treatment!!

I saw her legs laying out there on the ground in the cold. I
immediately yanked the window up and looked out and hollered her name.
I saw blood all over her head, her face, and on the ground.
There was
even blood on her legs. She was solid white and lifeless. There was
my 45 calibur gun laying beside her leg.

I jumped out of the shower hollering for my roommate to go outside
and help her, that she had shot herself! I raced to the phone to call 911. I
couldn't breathe and all I could do was say "Oh My God, don't
take my baby" over and over. 911 couldn't even understand me, I was
screaming and crying so hard.

My roommate had to come in and get the phone to tell
them what was wrong. They had him go outside and feel for a
pulse and any signs of life.
I then heard him tell them that she was dead......

I lost it completely then....The police came and yellow taped off the
house. I heard them call in the coroner. They made the paramedics
give me something and I could at least calm down enough to pay
attention then. They wouldn't let us go out there then.

They then took some sort of kit out and swabbed mine
and my roommates hands for gun powder residue. They said it
was standard procedure. I remember shaking so
hard that the police had to hold my hand tight to
get it swabbed.

Her baby was running around hollering "Where's Mom"
and "Where's Mom gone" and crying. He had to have sensed
something. He ran to the window with every car that pulled up,
saying "Its Mom, she's back".....He now is terrified if I even
go to the bathroom or to take a nap without letting him know,
and even then, he comes to "check on me" to make sure I haven't left him too.

Do you know how hard it is to take a baby to see his beloved Mom in a casket? And then trying to explain why she is in there????


How much more heartbreaking could you get???

Then they had to take her body to the crime lab in the next major
city to do an autopsy. It was a week before we got her back. We had to
beg for donations so that the funeral home would accept her body, cause
we had no insurance on her.

During that week (and afterwards), I have had
to take showers in my Mothers shower at her house, as I can't stand to
be in my own shower anymore. Even though we put up a heavy curtain on
that window, just so I could stand to go in there to use the bathroom.

I can't sleep and I can't eat. All I see in my mind constantly is my
beautiful dead daughter's body laying out there all bloody and
white and cold looking.

I can't go into any stores now, cause I completely
lose it whenever I see any of her favorite foods. I find myself
wanting to call her whenever I see some clothes that she might like,
and then break down when I remember that I can't.

I cry constantly and just Have to make myself do anything. My house
is a wreck, my mind is a wreck, and my spirit and heart is forever
broken. I will never recover from this. All I can do is think about
her every moment. I can't walk into her room even though it has been
nearly 4 months now. It is just like she left it. She left no note, as
the police went in there to look.

Her grandmother who loved her so much, had a heart attack due to the
stress of her death. Luckily she survived, but it caused so much
damage that she won't be here much longer.

Update: Feb 24, 2008.....Her Grandmother (My Moma)died of a brain
hemmorrage caused by her blood pressure shooting up so high. 3
months after my daughter died...

I have so much guilt. I SHOULD have known how depressed she was! I
should have just put her in the car and taken her to the ER. I
should have made her talk to me about what all was bothering her. I have so
many regrets and so many questions that will never have an answer. I
fear I am going crazy. And wouldn't care if I did, if it wasn't for
her baby that I have now got to raise all alone.

If it wasn't for the baby. I would probably kill myself. But I can't. I can't
leave my only other child, a son, and I surely can't leave
an innocent baby that never asked for any of this. He
doesn't even know his Daddy.

I am on all sorts of medications and have to see a psychiatrist once a month.
I want my daughter back! I have lost 1/2 of ME when I lost her!
I can't bear the thought of NEVER seeing her again! She had so much to live for.

All she had to do is let me know what was going on in her
head and she knows I would have helped her without any judgement!
She could talk to me about anything and we usually did talk about
anything and everything!!

Why not this time when it was the most important time of all???
Oh God....all these "whys" and "what ifs"!!!

Thanksgiving and Christmas was a nightmare. I will never enjoy any
holidays ever again. There will always be that empty seat, none of the
family or friends wants to be around us now, we have the "suicide
plague". Like if its a disease they can catch. Nobody comes to see us,
nobody calls. When anyone asks how she died and I tell them that she
shot herself, you can instantly see the shock and fear on their face!!

I want to scream "She was not a bad person, she was sick"!!!!!!!!!!

But now she's gone and I am scared. What if I die and this baby is a
ll alone. What will happen to him. What will the school kids taunt him
with when he goes to school. You know how cruel kids are, they will
relentlessly torture him when they find out how his Mom died.

When he end up the same way because of HER actions?????

Please, please before you do this. Think about what it will do to
your family, your friends and your loved ones. She had over 250 people at
her funeral. So many people loved her and she never even knew it.....

How I wish I could turn back time to that day and do it all over
again. I would have handcuffed her to my side till I could have
gotten her some help.

I miss my daughter so bad, I want her back, I want to hug her and
never let her go.......I want to tell her how much I love her
and beg her to stay...








This was sent to from another Mother who has lost a child to suicide, and my reply is listed below it.


What is Normal for me Now?


Normal for me is trying to decide what to take to the cemetery for
Christmas, birthday, and Easter or even just a Sunday when I
want to feel close to him.

Normal is discussing with a friend in the Netherlands how different
funeral customs are there than here. Discussing how much both our children
loved the things they loved and how those things are now sitting lonely
collecting dust.

Normal is talking to a co-worker and the conversation going toward
how you felt after your child died or having them avoid the whole subject as
if it never happened.

Normal is sitting at the computer crying, sharing how you feel with
chat buddies who have also lost a child.

Normal is feeling like you know how to act and are more comfortable w
ith a funeral than a wedding or a birthday party. Yet, feeling a stab of
pain in your heart when you smell the flowers, see that casket, and all the
crying people.

Normal is feeling like you can't sit another minute without getting
up and screaming cause you just don't like to sit through church anymore.
And yet feeling like you have more faith and belief in God than you ever
have had before.

Normal is going to bed feeling like your child who is alive got
cheated out of happy cheerful parents and instead is stuck with sober, cautious
people, overprotective ones.

Normal is having tears waiting behind every smile when you realize
someone important is missing from all the important events
in your families' life.

Normal is not sleeping well because a thousand what if's and why
didn't I's go through your head constantly.

Normal is staring at every girl or boy who looks about my childs age.
And then thinking of the age my child would be now and not being able to
imagine it. Then wondering why it is even important to imagine it because it
will never happen.

Normal is every happy event in my life always being backed up with
sadness lurking close behind because of the hole in my heart.

Normal is seeing my children at the cemetery visiting their
brother's grave and thinking, how could this be normal?
They shouldn't have to be going through this.

Normal is seeing other kids that are the age of our angels, teasing
and playing with their brothers and sisters and feeling
so envious of them.

Normal is seeing our childs friends and wondering why they
can't be with them.
Why her, why him?

Normal is singing a song and feeling really great about doing well,
followed by an immediate down after
thinking how my child would have said,
"That was beautiful Mom (whether it really was or not).

Normal is telling the story of my child’s death as if it were
an everyday common place activity and then gasping in horror at how awful it
sounds. And yet realizing it has become part of our normal.

Normal is hating to attend family get togethers because youre
jealous of seeing complete families around the table when yours is and never
will be complete again and trying to keep a smile on your face.

Normal is each year coming up with difficult task of how to honor
your child's memory and their birthday and survive those days.
And trying to find the balloon or flag that fits the occasion.
Happy Birthday? Not really.

Normal is my heart warming and yet sinking at the sight of a penguin
or the ocean and thinking how he would love it,
but how he isn't here to enjoy it.

Normal is getting up early to exercise (when I really hate exercise)
because I know my mental health depends on it.

Normal is disliking jokes about death, funerals. Bodies being
referred to as cadavers when you know they were once
someone's loved one.

Normal is being impatient with everything BUT someone stricken with
grief over the loss of their child.

Normal is feeling a common bond with friends in Greece, England,
Australia, Netherlands, Canada,
and all over the USA, but yet never having met any of
them face to face.

Normal is a new friendship with another grieving mother and meeting
for coffee and talking and crying together over our children
and our new lives.
And worrying together over our living children.

Normal is not being able to rest until you get the phone call that
your child has arrived at school just fine, or having the courage to let
them not call after driving to school because they are insulted that you
need to check on them.

Normal is wondering this time whether you are going to say you have
1 child or 2 children because you will never see this person again and it is
not worth explaining that one of them is in heaven. And yet when you say
only 1 to avoid that problem you feel horrible as if you have
betrayed that child.

Normal is feeling terribly hurt when you see your child's power point
presentation at parent/teacher's conference and that child has listed no
brother. Then you realize the way the information is set up there really is
no logical place to list the brother who has died and went to heaven.


And how awkward that must of been for him to think about the problem.


Normal is avoiding McDonald's and Goody's because of happy children
that break your heart when you see them.

Normal is being too tired to care if you paid the bills, cleaned
house or did laundry or if there is any food in the house.

And last of all normal is hiding all the things that have become
normal for you to feel, so that everyone around you will think that you
are "normal".

T*****

__________________________________________


This is MY (Rhonda)'s new "normal" now.....


My new normal is, all the above like T*** said and plus these::

Being terrified that my grandson will follow in his
Mom's footsteps one day and leave me.

Worrying that I will have to leave him!!

Worrying about how the other kids will treat him in school
and life when they find out how his Mom died.

Feeling awful that NOW he doesn't have anyone to take
him places and do fun things, like playgrounds
and beaches with him.

Wondering why me or him has been sick,
seems like ever since she died.
Can't we catch a break here??

Being terrified to drive, feeling like I am having
to start over with all that anxiety all over again!

Missing her so bad that my heart feels like it is broken in a million pieces and about to fall out of my chest.

And not really caring if it did.

Hurting physically ALL the time, with any little
effort I can muster up to do anything!

Being tired of having to ask people for help or understanding.
Or explaining myself, when I don't even know the answers.

Tired of feeling like a 2 year old that somebody has to
hold my hand for me to accomplish anything.

Tired of Drs and medicines that make me even more tired and sleepy.

Tired of feeling alone, my only other child seems to
be "too busy",
and it breaks my heart even more.

Hating feeling so bad when it rains or its cold,
cause my baby is in that mess in the ground.

Hating that I can't seem to "get a grip" on my life now.

So sick and tired of being sick and tired and crying all the time!
Can't I have one thought that doesn't have HER in it???????

Tired of feeling guilty cause I didn't SEE how bad
she was hurting emotionally!

Sick and tired of this house that never gets cleaned now.
Tired of laundry piling up.

Tired of being afraid to go into my own yard cause it hurts too much,
when I usually loved the yard more than the house!

Wishing I had the energy to do something with her room,
something so different so I can "go back in there" without
hurting so bad, but not having the strength to do it,
physically or emotionally.

Wishing I could THINK straight!!

Wishing I could concentrate and read like I used to love to do.

Wishing that I had known BEFOREHAND,
that her grave would have been
RIGHT across the street from her EX BF's Mom's house!!!!!!

Tired of no-one coming over, like we have the plague.

Wishing I could listen to music again without
breaking down with nearly every song!

Wishing I had HELP to do all these things that need to be done,
without having to beg someone.


To see what METH does to your brain, click here


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