On Nov. 10, 2007, my beautiful 21 year old daughter walked right past my chair at the computer, and went outside in my backyard and shot herself in the head. She died instantly. She left me, her disabled Mother, to raise her 4 year old autistic son alone.
(She had had some problems with mild depression before in her life, but I took her to get medication and it helped. But then she would stop taking it and get depressed all over again. She had also battled an addiction to "meth aka ice", and had won before!)
This time though, she had moved back home with us. She had became sick for over 2 months, with some mysterious ailment with her stomach. I had taken her to 3 different ER's and her regular Dr, and the health dept. They ran cat scans, blood work and urine tests, and many different exams on her. They found nothing physically wrong with her. Yet she kept getting sicker and sicker.
She lost nearly 40 lbs in those 2 months. She couldn't hold anything down, and went from a beautiful girl with lively "full of life" eyes, to someone who looked like the walking dead. She was terrified that she had cancer of the stomach and they weren't finding it. She was scared of the pain involved with having cancer.
She also had FINALLY broken up with a boyfriend, (two months before all these symptoms began!) who was the devil in disguise. After she met him, we found out that he had beat his previous wife when she was 4 months pregnant! He had been arrested for that along with many other things in South Carolina and Georgia! Of course he had "logical" explanations to my daughter, for every crime. They weren't his fault, he was always the "victim". Ha!
Soon, he was controlling my vivacious young daughter, by plying her with drugs. He helped get her hooked on Cocaine, (his drug of choice), and then used the addiction to control her every movement. He turned her against her family, by telling her how "evil" we were, cause we wanted to help her. And tried to get her to take her baby away from me. She became a totally different person within that time, to the point of trying to physically jump on me whenever she would see me. She spit in my face and called me all sorts of names.
I could "see" the demons in her eyes when she was like this. I called the Police to her several times, and they took her once to the Hospital for psychiatric evaluation. I "think" that they found drugs in her system, but was never told. Even though I asked her and the BF repeatedly. They always denied any drug use other than pot. But I knew better. But since she was 21, they wouldn't furnish me with any records. (READ UPDATE BELOW)
The longer she was with him, the more brainwashed she would get. And if she ever bucked on him, he would beat the shit out of her and then convince her that it was HER fault for making him "irate".
(My daughter was the strongest girl you would have ever met, wouldn't take no shit off of anybody, until she met him. In only 11 months from the date she met him, she was dead. I have never in my life seen a person change so much so quick!!)
He wouldn't or couldn't keep a job, but I don't know for certain "why". All I know is while he was keeping her away from all of her family, he moved her from pillar to post. They lived in the back of a cab station once. Till they got kicked out for fighting. They lived in a motel, where all the known drug dealers and users live. They got kicked out of there for not paying rent. They lived with his former boss, and got kicked out for fighting. They lived in another motel till they got kicked out. All my daughter ever wanted was a husband, a family, and to be a wife and Mother.
He had made so many promises to her. None of which he kept.
He had told her that he owned many cars and trucks, that were worth a lot of money , all he had to do was get them and sell them. He told her that he owned several trailers at his Uncle's trailer park. He was an expert at kickboxing and had won an IronMan contest. He had told her that he had 2 sons in South Carolina, but the evil "family" of his Ex girlfriend, wouldn't allow him to see them.
He said that he had a baby daughter by the wife that he had beat, that he had never seen. That part is true, I have had numerous conversations with his ex Father in Law.
My daughter called me everytime she could get away from him. Once she called and said that she hadn't ate in days and was hungry. He wouldn't let me come to their motel room, so I had to meet her at the Jiffy Mart to give her some money to eat with. She looked like death warmed over and cussed me out when I begged her to come home with me. The final time they came to live with us, was when they got kicked out of the motel in the pouring rain. She called me to come get her and him. Even though I sure didn't want HIM here, I felt like "at least I would know that she was safe and not hungry". So I let them come here.
During those times, he would pay us $50 a week to stay here. Then he actually thought that he would have all "say so" as to how to run MY house, since he "was supporting his family". Ha!
He had begged her to marry him. But something (Thank God) always happened, he lost his job, they didn't have the money, etc, something always came up to stop them. They lived with us several times until we kicked HIM out for abusing her, and then she would leave with him. Once my roommate and I saw thru the keyhole, him drawing back to hit her and her begging him to stop. My roommate got my gun and pulled it on him after he kicked the door down and pulled the bastard off of her. I stopped my roommate from shooting him, I wish now that I didn't!
Well, she finally came home and was trying to straighten up, she got rid of him by asking me to help her, (cause she was scared iof telling him alone). He left, then 2 weeks later, she started getting sick. Come to find out later, he had been known for lacing some pot "joints" with something. We still don't know if it was Cocaine or Meth or Ice!
After she broke up with him, he would go over to (name deleted) house and buy dope from him, and his house is catty cornered from my backyard. He would hang out there after Shannon broke up with him and "stalk" her. He would ride by staring at her. She was terrified to go out of the house alone! She wouldn't go anywhere alone! I don't know what he had told her, but I couldn't even take a nap without her waking me up to "sit with her" cause he was nearby!!!
He could have easily seen her sitting in my backyard the day she died, and walked over here without us knowing. There are still some questions of "if he was back there that day with her". He DID describe to me AFTER she died, about the EXACT place that she was laying! Now how would he have known that, unless he was there when it happened ????
She became not only physically sick all the time, but mentally and emotionally depressed and if she wasn't in the bed, she was just out of it throwing up. When I asked her could it be withdrawals since the Drs couldn't find anything physically wrong, she said a firm NO, that she had only been smoking pot!
During that 2 months, other than her being sick, it was the most wonderful time of my life. I had my beautiful daughter back, and she was in the process of trying to really bond with her 4 year old son, for the first time. There were no more "demons" in her eyes, no fighting, just a normal Mother-Daughter-son relationship. We were looking so forward to Christmas, because this would be the real first year that the baby would really enjoy it. She kept apologizing to me for all of the bad stuff she had done.
But it wasn't to be. On that overcast November day, I thought she had went to the bathroom. She had been sick, so usually after she was sick, she went on and took a long soak in the tub. That's what I thought she was doing when she was gone so long. I wish I had went to check on her. I will be forever haunted because I didn't.
I went to get ready to take my shower, and noticed that she wasn't in the bathroom. So I assumed that she had silently passed back by my chair and went back to bed (we had the TV on playing music, and also the baby playing in his room, making noise). I brushed my teeth and then got in the shower. I washed my hair and then.......
I happened to look out the window, and saw my daughter's legs. I raised the window and hollered her name. She didn't move, she couldn't. I was looking at her cold, white, bloody, lifeless body laying out there on the hard, cold ground. We had heard nothing.......I will never ever get over it. I am haunted by the memory that won't go away.
Not only have me and my ex husband lost our beautiful daughter, but her baby has lost his beautiful Mother, whom he had really gotten attached to. And her only sibling, her brother has lost his only sister. How do you tell an autistic child, who is just now trying to talk, where his "Mom" has gone?? There are no explanations that he truly understands. When he hears a car pull up, he runs to the window, saying "It's Mom", but it never is.
After hearing about him lacing joints with drugs, I did a lot of research. She was probably withdrawing from cocaine, and didn't know it. She had every single symptom! It is a long process that takes up to 90 days to get through, with the last stages being severe depression, severe paranoia, and severe suicidal thoughts. AND...she also had all of the symptoms of Major Depression!
She was in that last stage. She had already been going through it for at least 60 days, she had nearly 30 more to go, and she would have felt better. How I wish that I had known all of this THEN. My daughter would probably still be here with us. I would have handcuffed her to my arm to keep her safe if nothing else. Ohhhh if I had only known....
My daughter went thru hell, with him beating her, and emotionally and verbally abusing her too. She was being controlled by a maniac and she didn't even know it thanks to the drugs that she was receiving unknowingly.
Now, we are going thru the hell of knowing all of this, and knowing that there isn't anything that we can do for her now, but cry at her grave site.
I want people to know about her, by showing the world that she DID exist. That she WAS important and was so very loved. And now, she is sooooo very, very loved and missed!!!!!
I don't want her death to have been in vain. Maybe her story will save some other Mother from going thru the heartbreaking pain that we are now.......
UPDATE: April 2008
I am just sick.....Last summer when she tried so hard to jump on me and I called the police to her, they took her to the ER and sent her to the psych unit.
I got those records today finally....
My baby TOLD them that she "did what she had to do, to get some help with her depression and anger issues".....
She was CRYING out for help!!
She wouldn't let ME go back there to see her that night, but she did let the controlling BF... who told them he was her husband!
I also got her drug screen records from that day, and she tested
positive for pot, but nothing else,
although she did admit to having used cocaine....
but hadn't used for 2 months..
I mean, she was literally BEGGING for help.....
and she told them she "was gonna hurt herself or someone else, if they didn't help her".
Why didn't they admit her?????
OMG....I am sooooo upset, why didn't somebody TELL ME
what she was going through????? The BF always
convinced her that "he would help her"...
Yeah he helped her, he cut her confidence and self esteem
down so bad that he helped her kill herself!!!!!!!!
Why...oh why, didn't she come to ME and tell me all this????????
Omg, she wanted to live, but she was so messed up inside that she
couldn't get help and everything was so hopeless for her...
Omg....my poor baby....my poor baby..
Another Important Update!:
It WAS Cocaine that she was withdrawing from. One reason that she killed herself because the cravings were so bad, she couldn't fight them anymore. She didn't want to put her family or her baby through that again. She felt she had no other way to get out of the addiction.
That bastard had also had her terrified of something else. He told her that his ex girlfriend had AIDS, and that him AND her had it too now. She didn't want to waste away and die in shame and pain. So she went ahead and made herself die. But she knows NOW that she didn't have it and it was just another way of him manipulating her.
Don't ask me how I know this, all I will say is "Shannon told me".....
I want my baby back.....
If you are on drugs, STOP! Then make darn sure that you inform your parents, your Drs, your friends, of what you are doing.
Don't do it alone!!
Ask them to monitor you for severe signs of depression and suicidal thoughts, phrases, etc.
If you are depressed, please do the same advice below!
Get to the mental health dr and TELL him what is going on! Take your medicines, be totally honest with him/her. If the Dr advises you to go in the hospital for treatment, just do it! Make SURE that the Dr hooks you up with anti- depressants!! Take them like you are supposed to!
Please don't make YOUR MOTHER go thru this hell that I am...You are WORTH helping and keeping on this Earth with your family! No matter how mad, sad or disappointed your family gets in you, you are STILL worth having in their lives!! Don't let these damn drugs convince you otherwise!! Just get help and stay ALIVE!!!!!
If you even THINK that you are being abused
Go here and read these signs, if even some of them fit your situation...get OUT!!!
If you or someone you know exhibits several of the suicide warning signs listed below, immediate action is required; so please read the information on the home page of this website and take action. PLEASE!!
Appearing depressed or sad most of the time.
(Untreated depression is the number one cause for suicide.)
Feeling hopeless.
Expressing hopelessness.
Withdrawing from family and friends.
Sleeping wayyyy too much or too little.
Feeling tired most of the time.
Gaining or losing a significant amount of weight.
Making statements such as these:
"I can't go on any longer."
"I hate this life."
"There's no point to this stupid life."
"Everyone would be better off without me."
"Life is not worth living."
"Nothing matters anymore."
"I don't care about anything anymore."
"I want to die."
--And any mention of suicide--
Writing notes or poems about suicide or death.
Acting compulsively.
Losing interest in most activities.
Giving away prized possessions.
Writing a will.
No sense of humor.
Facing a perceived "humiliating" situation.
Facing a perceived "failure."
Feeling excessive guilt or shame.
Acting irrationally.
Being preoccupied with death or dying.
Behaving recklessly.
Irritability
Frequently complaining about headaches, stomachaches, etc.
Neglecting personal appearance.
A dramatic change in personal appearance.
A dramatic change in personality.
Performing poorly at work or in school.
Abusing alcohol or drugs.
Inability to concentrate.
~~Take pictures of your child! You can see a "deadness" look in their eyes
in pictures, that you can't see in person!~~
It should be noted that some people who die by suicide do not show any suicide warning signs. Many people hide their depression because there is still a strong social stigma against mental illness. Also, many people believe that they will be perceived as weak, so they also hide their depression.
But most people do show suicide warning signs, so we need to be aware of what the suicide warning signs are, and try to spot them in people. If we do see someone exhibiting suicide warning signs, we need to do everything that we can to help them.
If you or anyone else is feeling suicidal...PLEASE go to the link above, and read about what to do! Please get help, don't make your family go thru what ours is now!
This page has ALL of the symptoms. Please read it all, it is about meth and cocaine. Don't wait to read it like I did. Had I read it before, my baby would probably still be here with me now. It described what she had been going through to a teee.
Ohhh God, how I wished I would have read it before she died. Please pass it on to anyone with a son or daughter that there is even a remote possibility that could be on this crap. It will KILL them one way or another....
Some people try to understand
Say that they'll lend a helping hand
But what they really don't know
Is that, from now on wherever I go
I'll see her in my dreams,
I'll see her in my thoughts
I'll see her in my heart
Her memory is never lost
Such a beautiful blonde haired girl
Never got a chance to grasp the world
She thought she was so brave and strong
Till that certain someone done her wrong
She gave it everything she had
But it just went from worse to bad
He tried to hold her spirit down
Then Her world went spinning round
Then she took that gun outside
And faced her long unyielding tide
When we found her laying there
There were blood stains in her hair
Now she's gone and left us all alone
Never thought what she did was wrong
We loved her then and we love her still
We just wished she'd had a little more will
We'll see her in our dreams,
We'll see her in our thoughts
We'll see her in our hearts
Her memory will never be lost
(c)2008 Rhonda L
My Feelings After Shannon's Death
I am in such a dark place,
Loneliness consumes my soul.
I want her back here with me,
I can't understand why she had to go
My every thought seems to be of her.
No other joy in this world can I see.
I keep looking for things about bad times,
But the memories keep escaping me.
No one seems to understand,
Why my life has been put on hold.
I feel like my heart has died,
and along with it took my soul.
What a high price that she paid,
For all of her fears on Earth.
I thought I could always shield her,
From everything since her birth.
I can't stand to think about her,
Being alone on top of that cliff.
Reaching out for something unknown,
For her soul, hoping to them, they'd lift.
I, as her Mother, should have seen her pain,
As she struggled to hang on.
And reached out to her, to guide her,
Off this lonely, scared road she was on.
I hope she knows I love her, and is happy,
Now that her life on Earth is through.
I pray she has now found peace,
That on Earth she'd thought she'd never knew.
I'll miss her now and forever,
And see her in every little thing.
And have to live with all this horror,
That her death, to us, now brings.
